Is Choosing Not to Have Children Selfish?

In the new Sex and the City movie, there is a scene where a couple questions Carrie and Big in regards to their plans to procreate. Upon hearing that it’s going to be “just us two,” the other couple is quite appalled at the lack of potential children and visibly shirks away. SATC 2 was far from the first place this issue has cropped up, but it raises an interesting question . . . is the decision not to have children selfish?

I borrowed the question from an article I read recently, partly because I was so appalled at the thought. When a couple decides not to have children, for any multitude of reasons, who exactly are they supposedly acting selfish towards? If I’m eating a big fat piece of delicious cake, I am unlikely to willingly offer to share it with even the best of friends. That is selfish. Or when I wouldn’t share my toys with my little brother, that is selfish. I’m very confused as to how people making life decisions that impact only themselves can be possibly construed as a selfish act?

For example, if I opt not to have children, how does that impact you? By my calculations, I’m actually doing you a favor. There is one less baby shower you have to go to. One less gift you have to purchase. So far I’m just helping you keep money in your wallet. Now let’s think about how difficult it is to get together with people who have children. The childless person or couple is one less participant that has to find/schedule/afford a babysitter. Now not only am I saving you money, I’m easing the stress of trying to coordinate schedules. And as my Jetta was not built for a carseat, I’m saving the world from a bigger, less fuel efficient rig on the road. I say all this only partially jokingly. In an already overpopulated world, it’s difficult to make the argument that it is your duty to procreate to continue the human race.

I know a couple who has no plans to ever have children. And their lifestyle is one of the few I actually envy and aspire to. They are completely unapologetic about the fact that they have no desire to have kids, as they should be. This doesn’t make them bad people or child haters. It simply makes them honest.

One of the things that my childless male friend mentioned above always says is that other people want you to do the same things they did, have a huge wedding, have children, etc., because it justifies the decisions they made in their own life. It’s something I repeat as a mantra to myself on occasions when people start asking me why I’m not married and have I thought about freezing my eggs, because I’m not getting any younger. Having kids isn’t something you have to do. It’s not something you should feel pressured about, unless it is something that you deeply and truly want to do.

There is a scene in the movie Elizabethtown, where two people are talking on the phone, trying to figure out who “they” are. You know, the “they” that comes up with all the rules of society that we’re supposed to follow. This elusive “they” that dictates what we’re supposed to do and how we should conform, but no one actually know who “they” are. I’m pretty sure that “they” are the ones telling society that we’re all supposed to procreate and that we’re selfish if we choose not to. Most people I know barely listen to their friends and family, why on earth would we listen to some elusive “they” when it comes to a decision as big as having a family? I’ve had friends or family tell me I have to have kids. My response is typically, “says who?” I have to pay taxes. I don’t have to eat things from the sea, watch reality television or have kids.

In a country where we’re all about having the freedom to choose to live our lives how we see fit, why do we judge others so harshly for not making the same decisions that we did? We have fast food menus with hundreds of available times because everyone wants something different. Doesn’t it make sense that if we want something as simple as to eat the food we want, that we also want to make the best choice for ourselves regarding much bigger decisions? But for some reason when people actively choose not to have children of their own, it makes many people uncomfortable. Not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t like them or think they should be banished from the earth. It simply means that you don’t care to or cannot have any of your own.

I think we need to give those childless people a break. They’re required to support other couples decisions to procreate – there is no check box on our taxes saying we don’t want our tax money to go to public schools, city playgrounds, or anything else tax related that supports kids. Childless people and couples don’t even want your tax money, just a little respect on the decisions they’ve made for their personal life. And for crying out loud, stop calling them selfish!