I recently had a conversation with a friend about relationships. It was her birthday and she was turning 25. What was a wonderful and fun year for me was starting off a little rough for her as she was talking about her current dilemma. How do you know which guy to choose?
Now never having been in the position of having to choose between two guys, I don’t know what the answer is, but she brought up some very interesting points. Do you go with the guy that has the spark and you’re totally in love with, but that will lead to a lifestyle you don’t want (i.e. rural living)? Or do you pick the guy that you love (but aren’t in love with), who enjoys doing the same things you do, who you have tons in common with and who wants the same kind of life style? Granted neither guy is perfect, I’ve met both and am friends with one so I can say that for certain, but it’s hard not to see the appeal of both options.
When you’re a kid, you have this vision of meeting some guy, falling madly in love, and living happily ever after. Than you, Disney, for that unrealistic expectation. To the best of my knowledge, the only time that happens is in the movies or in a romance novel. And even in those instances, I’m so much of a cynic that I tell the characters of the book or movie that they’re being totally ridiculous. You don’t spend two days in the wilderness running from killers, fall in love and decide to get married as soon as the killers have been captured by the police. Those are crazy circumstances, who in their right mind wouldn’t think that maybe you should go on a date first before deciding to get married? I always want an epilogue that talks about the couple six months or a year later and what they’ve overcome and compromised on to make things work. But that would take some of the romance out of the romance novel. And clearly I’m still a sucker for the falling in love crap or I wouldn’t keep reading the darn things.
To date, I haven’t had that head over heels in love experience. Maybe it’s like that religious ah-ha moment that seems to elude me as well. It’s out there for some, but not all people. So based on that, the idea of picking a person based on compatibility and love, but not necessarily fireworks, makes sense to me. Or maybe I’m just too cynical for my own good.
The conversation with my friend was followed up by a conversation between my female relatives. They were talking about how they didn’t know where they were going to end up living when they picked the guy. This coming mostly from the rural people. They picked the guy and then made everything else work. Years ago I asked my aunt how she knew that my uncle was the right person to marry. I’m paraphrasing here, but she essentially said that what she knew was she wanted him. So she made it happen and made it work. All these women who married the guy they wanted have all been married a long time, the aunties and my mom for over 30 years. Were there ups and downs over the years? Absolutely. But years later, they’re still making it work for them.
So apparently you can make marriage work if you choose the guy with spark, even if that means you might end up living somewhere less than ideal. So are you settling if you marry someone who comes with a sparkler instead of one of those giant mortars that light up the night sky? As someone who can easily see herself not getting married until the age of 40, there is some appeal to the sparkler that can give you life style you want and who enjoys the same activities.
From what I hear, marriage tends to be a lot of work whether you go for the big bang or compatibility. Does one make it easier than the other? I have no idea. Which means this whole blog and thought process still didn’t enlighten me with any pertinent advice for my friend. I’d like to think that a person can find both fireworks and compatibility. I’d like to think that at some point in life, we all get to experience fireworks. Or maybe I just think too much.
No comments:
Post a Comment